The day started out well. I was in good spirits, I got to work early, and all that jazz. Unfortunately, I went off the rails after going to a luncheon. The company was great, but not having my “safe” meal that I make myself always makes me uneasy. And there were SO many enticing, carby things on the table. Damn you, bread pudding! Unfortunately, I didn’t carpool with a coworker to the luncheon as I usually do because she was elsewhere at the time. The failure to carpool gave me the opportunity to swing by CVS to buy junk food before going back to the office. Double dammit. I bought two “milkshakes” from the dairy aisle and two boxes of cookies (and some Powerade and a protein bar for actual nourishment following the BP), snuck them into the office, and devoured them. Ugh. Off to the bathroom I went.
I went to a breathing and meditation class tonight in an effort to find some peace with myself. It was nice-ish. I really liked the place I went to and the people I met, but I don’t think I was ready for 30 minutes of sustained isolation within my mind. Part of me was frustrated that my mind never calmed down; another part of me was desperately hoping it wouldn’t. I kept thinking of how my feet, knees, neck, shoulders, and feet felt. I didn’t find a deep calm, but that takes practice. I did find a shallow calm, a temporary refreshment, and I think it was worth it.
On to today’s homework!
1. Review your support list and pick one local person. Tell them that you have something important to talk about and also ask them to a movie. Meet at least an hour or two before the show stars so you have enough time to talk about your recovery process. Follow that with the movie and perhaps a walk or a cup of coffee afterward!
I guess I can say I kind of did this. I reached out to a coworker and invited her to see The Great Gatsby – which I was crazy excited about and knew Hubby would hate – last night. We didn’t chat much before and certainly didn’t hang out afterwards since the movie was so long, but it was nice. The coworker is not on my potential support list, and I do not plan to tell her about the Bully anytime soon, but I think making new friends and being social is good from anyone who is recovering from a disease that thrives in/on secrecy. After the movie, I met up with Hubby and his coworkers at a bar and had a great time. I stayed out too late for my taste, but it was worth it.
As for the movie itself: I liked it, but all the slender, glamorous women in the film were a bit disconcerting. So it is with any Hollywood production, though, right?
2. Make a list of 5-10 myths and 5-10 rules that you may want to change.
- I am not beautiful unless I am thin. If I am not beautiful, I am worthless.
- Anything other than thin is disgusting. If I am not thin, I am disgusting.
- I can’t trust my body to guide me to eat normally.
- Bingeing and purging every now and then will not hurt me.
- By controlling my body I can control my life.
- Thin = happy.
- The mirror and my mind (or the mirror in my mind) always tell the truth.
- I can’t eat within 2 hours of going to bed or else I will get fat.
- I can’t eat an unscheduled snack or else I will get fat.
- I can’t eat more than X number of calories at a certain meal/snack or else I will get fat.
- I cannot eat ice cream or else I will get fat.
- I must exercise X minutes per week or else I will get fat.
3. What progress have you made with therapy? Try at least an introductory session.
Great progress with therapy: I have another appointment next week. 🙂