Day 6 – I can accept support from others

The day started out well.  I was in good spirits, I got to work early, and all that jazz.  Unfortunately, I went off the rails after going to a luncheon.  The company was great, but not having my “safe” meal that I make myself always makes me uneasy.  And there were SO many enticing, carby things on the table.  Damn you, bread pudding!  Unfortunately, I didn’t carpool with a coworker to the luncheon as I usually do because she was elsewhere at the time.  The failure to carpool gave me the opportunity to swing by CVS to buy junk food before going back to the office.  Double dammit.  I bought two “milkshakes” from the dairy aisle and two boxes of cookies (and some Powerade and a protein bar for actual nourishment following the BP), snuck them into the office, and devoured them.  Ugh.  Off to the bathroom I went.

I went to a breathing and meditation class tonight in an effort to find some peace with myself.  It was nice-ish.  I really liked the place I went to and the people I met, but I don’t think I was ready for 30 minutes of sustained isolation within my mind.  Part of me was frustrated that my mind never calmed down; another part of me was desperately hoping it wouldn’t.  I kept thinking of how my feet, knees, neck, shoulders, and feet felt.  I didn’t find a deep calm, but that takes practice.  I did find a shallow calm, a temporary refreshment, and I think it was worth it.

On to today’s homework!

1. Review your support list and pick one local person.  Tell them that you have something important to talk about and also ask them to a movie.  Meet at least an hour or two before the show stars so you have enough time to talk about your recovery process.  Follow that with the movie and perhaps a walk or a cup of coffee afterward!

I guess I can say I kind of did this.  I reached out to a coworker and invited her to see The Great Gatsby – which I was crazy excited about and knew Hubby would hate – last night.  We didn’t chat much before and certainly didn’t hang out afterwards since the movie was so long, but it was nice.  The coworker is not on my potential support list, and I do not plan to tell her about the Bully anytime soon, but I think making new friends and being social is good from anyone who is recovering from a disease that thrives in/on secrecy.  After the movie, I met up with Hubby and his coworkers at a bar and had a great time.  I stayed out too late for my taste, but it was worth it.

As for the movie itself: I liked it, but all the slender, glamorous women in the film were a bit disconcerting.  So it is with any Hollywood production, though, right?

2. Make a list of 5-10 myths and 5-10 rules that you may want to change.

Myths:

1. I am not beautiful unless I am thin.  If I am not beautiful, I am worthless.
2. Anything other than thin is disgusting.  If I am not thin, I am disgusting.
3. I can’t trust my body to guide me to eat normally.
4. Bingeing and purging every now and then will not hurt me.
5. By controlling my body I can control my life.
6. Thin = happy.
7. The mirror and my mind (or the mirror in my mind) always tell the truth.

Rules:

1. I can’t eat within 2 hours of going to bed or else I will get fat.
2. I can’t eat an unscheduled snack or else I will get fat.
3. I can’t eat more than X number of calories at a certain meal/snack or else I will get fat.
4. I cannot eat ice cream or else I will get fat.
5. I must exercise X minutes per week or else I will get fat.

3. What progress have you made with therapy?  Try at least an introductory session.

Great progress with therapy: I have another appointment next week.  🙂

Day 5 – Think Lovely Thoughts

Yet again, I came so close today to getting my star.  I white-knuckled and railed against the Bully until about 4 pm, when I just couldn’t resist and gave in.  The upside: I resisted temptations throughout the day, and my binge was smaller than usual.  As noted in the title of this post, today’s theme was “think lovely thoughts.”  I had a difficult time doing this today.  Even now, all I can think about is how bloated I am, not the fact that I looked very pretty today, ran 3 miles before 6 a.m., and was able to comfort a very distraught client.  (Ugh – how sick is it that I put my appearance first in that list of the day’s accomplishments?  Bollocks!)

Homework

1. Write a physical description of yourself.  Who do you look like?  What are some judgments you’ve made about your body?  What do you wish was different?  Are those things reasonable or even possible?  Do you think others make the same judgments about themselves?

I am tall with fair skin.  My face is long.  My neck is long.  I am slender, with a scrawny (but defined and muscular) upper body.  My legs are muscular, too, but they have spider veins and are often bruised.  My hands and feet are slender with long, slender digits.  I love one of my feet.  It’s soft and pink in all the right places.  The other foot is what I would call “janky.”  Nails eaten up by fungus and rough, leathery skin.  It’s the ugly sister foot.  I have short brown hair and small breasts.  My small breasts add to my discomfort with my tummy.  It’s the tummy of a little kid: it’s not “fat,” but it sticks out – or at least I think it does.  I often consider my thighs thunderous.  Well, the right one anyway.  Much like my right foot, my right leg is ugly sisterish.  There’s a big ol’ varicose vein crossing my knee that has crossed the line from a “cosmetic” issue to a medical concern according to my insurance (which is good, really, because that means insurance will cover the ablation).  My right thigh is slightly larger than the left.  I much prefer the left when I look at photos from races.

I mostly look like my dad: tall and lean.  There are parts of my face and certain expressions I make that are very, very reminiscent of my mom, but my eyes and the shape of my face are all Dad.  More than one person has told me that I look like Jennifer Garner.

Judgments I’ve made: too boyish, for function not for looks, plain, beautiful (on occasion), just too curvy here but not curvy enough there.  I wish my right leg and foot were less janky.  I wish my boobs were bigger.  I wish my tummy wasn’t so childish.  It’s possible these things could all be different, to a degree (except for the fungus toes – I’ve given up on them).  Varicose vein treatments exist.  A boob job is almost a rite of passage in some circles.  A boob job and crunches might take care of the tummy.  But in the real world, changing a couple of these things is not very reasonable.  I am not very willing to go under the knife unless there’s a medical reason to do so, and my tummy pretty much is what it is.  I’ve always, always had a long waist, and that’s just how it looks.

I think others make these judgments about themselves.  In fact, they’re probably too busy making them about themselves to make them about me.

2. Buy a mass market magazine and tear out everything that promotes thinness or body change.  Reflect on the economics and message of the medium.  What would happen if all women loved their bodies just the way they are?

This is a rant I’ve been eager to make.  Despite all the glamour magazines out there, the worst offender, to me, is Self.  Yeah, that’s right, Self – you’re full of shit.  Self is particularly shitty because it purports to be a magazine about health, fitness, self-respect, yada yada yada, but it’s not.  It’s about dropping 10 pounds, getting the perfect abs, erasing cellulite, revving metabolism, and getting women to think they need the products advertised on every other page.  And the photospreads of “athletes” doing the moves?  Come ON!  Self puts muscle-less waifs (no offense, musce-less waifs) in sports bras, has them raise their arms and look determined, and we’re supposed to believe that fitness looks like that?  Fuck you, Self!  (Or should I say, “Go fuck yourSelf?”) I feel better about myself when I flip through magazines that are upfront about their vanity: Cosmo, Glamour, Marie Claire, Elle, etc.  They’re not deluding anyone by pretending to promote health and self-acceptance above all.

The glamour magazine industry would absolutely crumble if we all loved our bodies.

5. (I skipped 3 & 4 because they don’t make for good blog posts) Allow yourself a small dessert tonight, even if it’s just one bite.  Do not obsess about it, merely select and eat it as a reward for your efforts to end bulimia.

I actually did this one unwittingly today.  I had a board meeting at lunch.  One of the board members brought cookies and macaroons, and I actually ate a peanut butter cookie without freaking out.  Good for me!  (I must note that something about this dessert being a “reward” just rubs me the wrong way.  Aren’t I supposed to find ways to reward myself without food?)

The closing thought for Day 5 is worth retyping here:

“Words, whether spoken or thought, have tremendous power.  The way that we verbalize something is how we perceive it.  If negative words are used, negative feelings surface.  You may have gotten used to thinking of yourself as bulimic, worthless, unlovable, or unattractive.  You must change those thoughts.  You are not a bulimic, you are a worthwhile person of intrinsic beauty who is recovering from bulimia.”

What do you do to keep your thoughts positive?

Day 4 – I Can Eat Without Fear (But Will I?)

Day 4’s homework centers around meal planning and grocery shopping.  Unfortunately, I plan my meals pretty much every day anyway and did the grocery shopping on Sunday, so there was really nothing to do today.  The only assignment that wasn’t based on meal planning and groceries was to arrange an appointment with a professional therapist.  That, too, has been done.  So, basically I aced Day 4, just not on the day itself.  Oh, and I binged and purged today. 😦

It is SO freaking hard to break the habit.  I know I have to break the BP cycle to make real progress, but – damn – that’s so hard to do.

Same stupid feeling, same stupid time.  Around 3-3:30 I tried fill myself up with carrots and hummus.  You know – nip any potential hunger in the bud so that I wouldn’t be tempted.  FAIL.  The sugar and easy eat-a-bility of the carrots didn’t do me any favors.  Off to the peanut butter pretzels and chocolate I went.  Fortunately, just as I did yesterday, I only had a couple cups of pretzels and a handful of chocolates, not an entire package of junk purchased during the lunch hour.  I hope that counts as progress

Ugh.

 

Random Thought

I’m at Barnes & Noble and can’t help but think it’s no coincidence that the eating disorder section is the first one you see when you leave the bathroom.

Day 3 – Lighten Up!*

*The authors disclaim that this has nothing to do with weight.  This amuses me.

Day 3 is supposed to be a fun day, full of mirth and joy and laughter.  Well, mine wasn’t a rollicking circus of good times, but it wasn’t a heavy downer of a day either.  It seems that the authors were really targeting this toward sufferers whose Bullies keep them in a perpetually somber state.  Here’s the homework:

1. Research what you will need to help you start your new learning project from Day 2. I did not do this because I really didn’t want to.  I spent my time doing more enjoyable things: going for coffee and a walk with Hubby, shopping, getting a massage, and then going for a walk by myself just to enjoy the gorgeous weather we had today.  Does it count that I thought about the things I want to learn?

2. Read through joke books or websites.  Laugh out loud.  Didn’t do this either.  Seems a little forced.  I kept doing the enjoyable things referenced above.  I tend to do this each and every day anyway.  Absurdity is my life force.

3. Contact someone from your support list to tell them some of the new jokes you read today.  As it’s written, this prompt makes me think Seriously?  If the people on my support list aren’t worried about me already then this will surely freak them the fuck out.  This is what Hubby’s dad did when he went off his medication for bipolar disorder.  So no, thank you.  Of course, the modern day, less creepy version of this is forwarding links to YouTube videos and such, which actually sounds like a good idea for someone who needs to escape the doom and gloom.

4.  Stop weighing yourself so often.  Destroy your scale if you want.  Done!  But to be fair, I don’t weigh myself that often.  I respectfully decline the scale destruction, even though I would love nothing more than to obliterate an inanimate object Office Space-style.

Today was a good day.  Hubs and I woke up to beautiful weather, so we took a stroll downtown and sat in one of our favorite coffee shops and just chatted and joked and whatnot.  Lovely.  Unfortunately, the Bully was the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning, but I eventually shook it away.  He returned this afternoon while I was grocery shopping, but I beat him again then, too.

It was a small crisis situation. (See Arnold’s reference to the “crisis situation” in my Random Morning Thoughts post.) I was almost done shopping and had let myself get a teensy bit hungry – oops.  Around the time my tummy let me know this, Hubby called and said that he was gonna go meet up with a friend who just happened to be in town, and that he wouldn’t be home for another hour or so after I got home.  Ruh-Roh.  To recap: (1) I’m hungry, (2) I ‘m in a grocery store, and (3) my husband has just advised me that he will not be home for some time.  FML.  And to make things worse, (4) an ice cream ad I saw on TV last night had been on replay in my brain.  BUT!  The reasonable part of my brain – the one that remembers the self-loathing and disgust and regret and physical sluggishness and pain that accompany a BP – that beautiful, crucial part came to the rescue and beat the Bully’s ass.  Instead of steering my cart toward the display of Oreos and other delicious crap on sale, I grabbed some hard-boiled eggs from the deli, checked out ASAP, came home and unloaded the groceries, had a bite of food and headed out for a walk.  Buster = 1, Bully = 0.

I told Hubby about this victory when I got home from my walk, and he hugged me hard and told me how proud he was of me.  (As I told him about getting his call, his face fell and he said “Oh NO!  I should’ve known better!”)  What has two thumbs and is super lucky?  This girl.

Before I leave you today, I want to revisit an assignment for Day 2 that wasn’t in the evening written homework and therefore did not appear in the Day 2 post.  The morning journal entry assignment for Day 2 was to write about some of the happiest moments in your life.  I started the entry doubting what good it would do, but it truly warmed my heart and reminded me of my value as a human being.  By the time I stopped typing, a big, stupid smile had spread across my face without me even noticing.  So I highly recommend that you begin your day with that exercise sometime.

 

Mirror-Mirror.org

Came across this gem today and just wanted to share:  http://www.mirror-mirror.org/eatdis.htm

Therapy

I didn’t get to do my Day 3 homework yesterday, so today’s entry focuses on the highlight of my otherwise shitty Friday: therapy.

I finally met with the therapist I’ve been trying to reach for a few months now.  It was wonderful.  I saw three ED therapists back in my home state over the course of about 7-8 years, but this one seems the most knowledgeable by far.  I am SO looking forward to more appointments.  In the relatively brief time we talked, I got renewed motivation, hope, and relief from her.  She encouraged me to break the stupid food rules I currently follow (at least 12 hours between dinner and breakfast with no snacks in between and limit complex carbs) and seconded my opinion that I should forget about renewing my Groupon for Bikram yoga.  She is a lifelong yogi herself, and she thinks the heat will just be too much for a purging bulimic. Let me tell ya…that was a hell of a relief.  She encouraged me to do yoga, though, and I think I’ll add that to the list of things to learn from Day 2.  In addition to the warm fuzzies, she sent me off with a Gurze catalog of ED books.  Looking forward to getting some of those.   After therapy, I came home and had two tacos for dinner, complete with corn tortillas.  That’s right – complex carbs.  And guess what?  I stayed full the rest of the night and did not crave any of the cookies or sweets available at the party we went to after dinner.  There was no Carbageddon after all.

Unfortunately, the rest of the day was crappy.  We woke up to yet another wet and windy day.  I didn’t have much to do at work besides stew about eating and body image and dissatisfaction with the work itself.  I escaped at lunchtime to walk around the mall and visit a bookstore.  My “2:30 feeling” doesn’t usually hit until its eponymous hour or later, but I was feeling snacky and anxious within 30 minutes of returning from the mall.  AARRRGGH!  Around 2:00 I started sneaking the peanut butter pretzels, chocolate candies, and snacks co-workers had brought in.  Purged about 3:00.  I felt awful and worried about what I had just done to my body, as I always do after a purge.  I ate an orange and a KIND bar in an attempt to recover and restore.  The foggy brain feeling eventually abated, but the self-loathing has not.

Even as I type, I’m fighting the urge to binge.  Hubby is out in the world getting some work/chores done right now, but I’m here at home in a stand-off with the contents of our kitchen.  I’m winning so far, thanks in large part to sitting my ass down and typing like it’s going out of style.  The sun is coming out, so I’m feeling more hopeful about today.  Hoping to get a good workout in (cardio AND weights today) and keep myself out of trouble.?

Please share some of your experiences with therapy.

Do you find yoga to be helpful in recovery?

Random Morning Thoughts

It occurred to me this morning that:

(1) I have recently been a happier, better-functioning human being.  I attribute this to increased social interaction in the past few weeks.

(2) My life right now is as close as it’s been in a LONG time to resembling that of someone who is not being Bullied.  This is encouraging.

(3)  I should beat the Bully like Arnold, and Arnold beats a bully like a boss.  Never forget the first rule of the crisis situation.  Watch clip below.

 

Go own the day, my friends. 🙂 I have my therapist consultation today after work.  Keep your fingers crossed that she’s the one I need (and can afford).

Day 2 – Look for Solutions, Not Problems

Day 2 began so wonderfully.  I was feeling energized and confident, which is rare on a day when I have to go to the courthouse.  Although my court appearance today was at an embarrassingly easy procedural “hearing,” I am always nervous when I get around experienced attorneys.  Not today.  I was outgoing and social, despite the gloomy weather we had today.  I even had lunch with Hubby and – gasp! – had a bit of a cookie without running to the bathroom immediately afterward.  So take that, Bully, and all your little minions of self-loathing can go suck it, too.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut.  The 2:30 feeling rolled around.  The one that 5-Hour Energy cannot cure. (Let me just state for the record that I could launch into a rant right now about how much I hate 5-Hour Energy commercials, but I won’t.  At least I have self-restraint in that respect today.)  I slowly worked my way through the “safe” snacks I bring to work: apple, nuts, veggies, etc.  And then I found myself in the kitchen.  And at the candy dish.  And in the bathroom.  AAAARGH!  Sunnovabitch!

So no star today.  Also…no gym today.  I decided not to give myself the added stress of making my muscles do difficult things.  Why punish myself like that?  I punish myself enough already.

And now, the feature presentation: Day 2 Homework!

1. Begin compiling your support list.  This is one way to find solutions.  Make list of people who already know and a list of people you will tell and how you will tell them.

People who know, listed in order I should contact them when struggling:

• Husband
• Hubby
• Hubs
• Complete strangers on the Interwebs
• Mom
• Best Friend
• Dad
• Brother — having been through an actual addiction treatment (for marijuana, at my parents’ insistence), he might be a valuable resource, despite being hard to talk to about this

Who I will tell:

• Other complete strangers on the Interwebs
• No fucking clue.  I don’t feel close enough to anyone in this area yet to tell them, at least not for purposes of them being in my circle of support.
  

2. When you let go of the bulimia, you will need other activities, thoughts, and feelings to take its place.  Begin thinking about something new you want to learn.

I want to learn how to:

• speak French! (and German, and Spanish, and then re-learn Italian)
• make jewelry
• play the guitar
• play the piano (again)
• build a better blog
• be a fitness instructor
• write a novel
• surf
• sew

And that concludes Day 2 homework.  The other assignment is to get out for a walk, which I unfortunately cannot do right now due to the miserable rain we are blessed enough to have.

Are there any tactics, strategies, techniques and/or books or other media you recommend to someone struggling with an addiction/eating disorder?  What has helped you?  And what would your responses be to the Day 1 and Day 2 prompts?

Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery – Day 1

I’m BAAAAAAAAACK!  I didn’t actually go anywhere, other than the rut I’ve been stuck in, I suppose.  I say “rut,” but honestly, I’ve had some good days.  I got 4 BP-free days IN A FREAKING ROW in April, and earned a total of 10 stars – a record for 2013 – so excuse me while I pat myself on the back.  Some more good news: I have an appointment with a therapist this week.  It took me so long to get an appointment, and I am beyond excited because she seems head and shoulders above other local therapists.

So today is May 1.  I started the morning thinking, This is the month of ME.  I’m gonna get my m—f—ing stars!  (I actually wrote “Get your m—f—ing stars” on my calendar.  I seriously think it helps.)  Unfortunately, I did not get a star today, but I learned from the experience and I’m renewing my efforts to recover yet again.

As part of my renewed efforts, I’m trying the 3-week Stop Bingeing Program from the Fifth Edition of Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery by Lindsey Hall and Leigh Cohn.  I highly recommend this book.  It’s one of the few I find helpful.  I’ve noticed that a newer edition of the book that Hubby thoughtfully ordered for me has only a 2-week program.  Perhaps it’s a great improvement on the 3-week, I really don’t know.  Anyhoo, I’m going to be doing the homework portion of the program here on the blog.  The titles you see next to the day are the “thought of the day” suggested by the authors.  Some of these assignments may require me to break guidelines I’ve created for myself, such as not describing BPs in detail, which I avoid doing so I don’t inadvertently help people binge and purge.  But so be it.  So, without further ado…

DAY 1 – My Life Is Better Without Bulimia

1. Write about your bingeing habits of the last weeks, months, or years.  Include frequency of binges and purges, and describe in detail your last binge.

In the last weeks…I have averaged one BP per day, usually in the afternoon, between 2-4:30 at work.  If I have been smart and not purchased junk food over my lunch hour, I surreptitiously raid the candy dish as I make a few passes around the office.  If I’m wearing my jacket (which I usually am since I am always freezing) I stuff the candy in my pockets and march to the kitchen, where I get peanut butter filled pretzels and whatever carby junk-food my well-intentioned colleagues have brought in.  And to wash things down (and up, of course), I grab a diet soda.  YES – a diet soda.  (I like to binge ironically.)  I go to my desk and snack, snack, snack, refilling/restashing as necessary, until one more pass around the office and to the kitchen will simply be ridiculous.  And off I go to the bathroom to purge.  I often bring a water bottle to the bathroom with me, which makes me feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable as I firmly believe that eating utensils and food should never, EVER be in the same room as human waste.  (I like to purge ironically, too.)  Weekends are a lot easier; I usually get my stars on the weekends.  If I find that perfect balance of just enough work to keep me engaged and energized but not overwhelmed and stressed, I often go without BPing.  In fact, if I can make it out of the office without symptoms, I am usually golden for the rest of the day.

In the last months…My BPs typically look the same as in the last weeks, above.  In the months before 2013 and before I renewed my efforts to recover, however, I rushed out of the office to buy junk food – both at lunch and after work – without a second thought.  The more the better.  I suppose my reasoning was that I needed it to survive the day.  Ugh.  And ice cream was usually the last thing I thought about before going to bed, hoping I could find the time and solitude to devour an entire carton and purge it all up before Hubs got home.  I never told Beloved Husband about these episodes, as I was still deluding myself with the idea that I could recover quietly before he ever knew how bad it was.

In the last years…In law school it was about once or twice a day. It calmed down A LOT compared to undergrad.  At my worst, I would waste a beautiful day by roaming endlessly about town to buy junk food, devour it, puke it, and then start over.  The worst day that I can recall included 5 BPs.  This was when I lived in the dorms and had to purge in public or semi-private restrooms.  Ugh.  How did I let it get so bad?

My last binge?  See for yourself, below.  This is a little art piece I call Shitty Wednesday.  The inspiration came to me at lunch today, when I had absolutely no good thoughts in my brain.

The foreground objects represent lust and self-loathing, while the file in the background represents the fact that I indulged in this BP at work – like an unprofessional idiot. Or…if I’m being kind to myself, like someone who is beautiful and valuable but just can’t recognize it and desperately needs help.

2. List the various ways in which your life would be better without the bulimia.  Compare this list with your response to #1.  Would you like to trade one for the other?

Man…where do I freakin’ start?!

• More money, which in turn means more vacation, fancy clothing, beautiful shoes, funky jewelry, nights on the town, early retirement, more gadgets, more books, nice furniture, a beautiful home, etc.
• More time, which in turns means more time for all of the things I just listed
• Feeling better and having energy
• Not worrying about rotting teeth, heartburn, malnourishment
• A healthy pregnancy (sometime in the future, not now)
• Energy for marathons
• Better running performance
• A sound mind
• Fewer cravings
• Not being afraid of food
• Being able to enjoy dinner/drinks out with friends
• Being in control of my life again
• The feeling that I have conquered my greatest enemy
• A long, full life with loved ones
• Pretty hair, skin, and nails
• A steady weight
• No more shame
• Confidence
• Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!

3. Write about what you did today, how you felt, and some reflections on this course.

I woke up early, even though I didn’t really need to.  I putzed around doing my normal things: shower, dry hair, style hair and do makeup while watching the Colbert Report on Hulu (the BEST way to spend the morning), getting food ready to take to work, checking some emails, eating breakfast, yada yada yada.  I’ve been getting up earlier in the past couple weeks so I can get to the office earlier.  I have been bringing my breakfast with me to help accomplish this.  I must say, the new efficiency has a downside in that I don’t quite get all the morning alone time I love so dearly.  The Hubs’ schedule and mine have been matching up to where I don’t get to gussy myself uninterrupted in the morning, and that sucks.  I love Hubs, but he comes around and flirts and teases and does all those love-y things you always dream as a tween/teenager that your spouse will do but then come to loathe when all you really want to do is get ready.  Ahhh…adulthood.  (BTW…I’m sorry if you’re reading this, Honey.  You know I love you. And you also know I get gripey.  Aaaaaaaaand, perhaps most importantly, you also know it’s about that time of the month right now anyway.)

Anyhoo, I made it through a morning board meeting that I was dreading.  I normally struggle through them, anxiously awaiting adjournment so that I can get to work al-friggin’-ready.  But none of that today.  Perhaps because I had a nice breakfast?  Who knows.  I had my mid-morning snack (apple + almonds) around 11 a.m.  That’s too late for a midmorning snack.  I usually try to avoid it altogether because I’m afraid I’m eating too much.  I had a big ol’ salad around noon and then headed out to distract myself.  I went shopping and came back with running clothes that fit a little more loosely than my current stuff so that I don’t feel pudgy when I go to exercise.  That was good.  I then went to Target and got junk food.  That was bad.  I left the junk in my car, at least, so that I would have to trek back out there in the afternoon to get it, but that didn’t stop me (and let’s be honest – I knew it wasn’t going to).  So I snuck the junk pictured above into my office in my gym bag.  I shut my door and ate away.  O! The unfortunately loud rustling of wrappers!  The crunch of cookies!  The burps after diet soda!  The sound of M&Ms rolling everywhere on a wooden desk!  Even as I could tell my blood glucose level was soaring and my body wanted me to stop, I kept going until I ate every last bit.  And then I barfed. It took about 10 minutes.

I resumed my office life as normal.  I ate some fruit and drank some Powerade to try to restore some nutrients and electrolytes.  After work, I went to the gym to lift weights.  I ended up doing 30 minutes of cardio, too.  I went easy on the cardio and used that time to listen to podcasts about eating disorders and recovery.  One of the podcasters said that a bulimic’s body will absorb fat immediately (or will try to, at least) during a binge because that’s it’s natural survival instinct.  Thus, the bulimic does not lose weight, and bulimia is hence a stupid, stupid thing to do.  I know that, but it always helps to hear it again.  She even made the genius observation that I might keep eating because I’m actually hungry.  Imagine!  I tell myself that all the time but never believe it.  I think to myself, Nah, you’re just being weak and seeking pleasure.  I think we’re both right.

My chest ached at the gym, probably due to heartburn, sore muscles from my chest workout on Monday, or some other such benign irritation, but I kept thinking it was my heart giving out on me because I abuse it and the rest of my body so much.  I felt crazy tired and in desperate need of nourishment after my workout.  I came home and immediately had healthy food.  I felt perhaps a little too full after dinner, but at this point I’ve typed, typed, typed my anxiety away and I’m feeling just fine.  (Nevermind the fact that I kept my sweatshirt on over my T-shirt so I couldn’t detect my own bloat.)

So there you have it, folks.  That’s Day 1.  Thank you for coming back after my brief hiatus to read all my brain droppings.  Peace and love to you all.